On Making My Children Miserable

Things I have failed at so far in 2014, according to my children:

1. Didn't let The Bird lick the inside of an egg shell
2. Made The Bean wear a nightgown with 3/4 sleeves.  So they're neither short, nor long.  Maddening for a 2YO.
3. Didn't let The Bird wear a short skirt and a tank top in 20 degree weather.
4. Let The Bird go out in a short skirt and tank to in 20 degree weather and it was too cold and she's fffffff-freezing!
5. Forcefully removed a band-aid from The Bird's arm that was starting to grown into the skin and was causing her pain.
6. Didn't share my coffee with The Bean.
7. Made The Bird wear underwear.
8. Made The Bean wear underwear.
9. Gave The Bird a choice of three different pairs of shoes that are appropriate for snow and ice... flip flops weren't one of the options.
10. Didn't let The Bean unlock the car with her magic key. 
11. The Bird's magic wand isn't letting her fly around like she told it to.  My fault.
12. Didn't let The Bird leave a tack in her bed.
13. Didn't make the pancakes big enough.
14. Didn't give The Bird the small pancake.
15. Let Bonnie poop in the snow. 
16. Didn't put enough syrup on The Bird's pancake.
17. Took away the Costco receipt that both girls were fighting over. 
18. Let The Bird's teacher stop teaching to take care of her family. 
19. Didn't send The Bird to her room when she didn't want to play with The Bean.
20. Didn't send The Bean to her room when she didn't want to play with The Bird. 
21. Didn't give The Bird medicine when her teeth started to fake hurt.
22. Didn't give The Bean medicine when her sister's teeth started to fake hurt.
23. Didn't make The Bean tell The Bird that she liked her hair.
24. Was unable to tell Elmo that The Bean doesn't like Velvet in Elmo's World.
25. Have not yet fixed The Bird's lamp... and I never, ever, ever fix anything of hers.
26. Made dinner that wasn't candy.
27. Didn't let The Bird put on my makeup.
28. Didn't let The Bean play with the butcher knife.
29. Didn't play Let It Go from Frozen for the 51st time in a row.
30. Reminded both girls that Poopy-Face is not an acceptable term of endearment.  Unless you're talking to the dog. And even then.... you have to be a Mommy to be able to say that.
31. Laughed when The Bird got stuck putting on a pair of stockings.
32. Didn't think it was super funny that The Bean kept kicking the back of my seat in the truck.
33. Didn't fast forward through the commercials fast enough.
34. Broke The Bean's sled when we went on an epic ride down the hill. 
35. Didn't let The Bean stand on the door of the dishwasher while I was loading it.
36. Didn't sit in the bathroom captivated and watch The Bean poop.
37. Made The Bean clean up the Cheerios she spilled, instead of letting the dog eat it.
38. Didn't coddle The Bird when she fell off her chair because she wasn't sitting on her bummy.
39. Didn't coddle The Bean when she did the exact same thing 30 seconds later... because she did it on purpose.
40. They couldn't smell the shampoo for some reason... and that's my fault.
41. Didn't stop the snow from melting.
42. These strawberries are cut up... and they wanted them whole.  Fix it, mama.
43.  IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS, ANYMORE!

Things I've done right in 2014, according to me:

1. Loved my girls.
2. Loved their father.
3. Tolerated the dog.
4. Liquor cabinet fully stocked.