Friday, February 15, 2013

Brain Freeze

The difference in The Bird and The Bean as demonstrated by free samples of an ice cream sandwich at Costco:

The Bean:  Immediately shoves the entire quarter of a sandwich into her mouth at once, causing a brain freeze... leading to screams of pain and a wide open mouth full of half-chewed ice cream sandwich which in a desperate attempt to avoid further stares, I blow into... because it seemed like the only solution at the moment.... blowing on ice cream in my nearly 2-year-olds mouth.

The Bird:  After delicately nibbling on her ice cream sandwich for five minutes, simple physics occurs and the ice cream melts to the point that it slips out from between the sandwich, which causes a chain reaction of screaming, tears and outright hysteria.  Sobs for Mommy to put the melted ice cream back into the sandwich are heard throughout the warehouse and my explanation about why that is simply not possible are met with more screams and heartbreak.

Which is why we now only sample room temperature products at Costco.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Anyone who knows Benny and I, know that the standing argument that we have is his - oh, what's a nice way to say it? - gaseous emissions from... there.   Look at me? Only took having two kiddos for me to tone down the toot rhetoric.  I'M GROWING.

Anyway, the last week has been eye-opening for him.  Apparently my complaining about it has failed to even make a dent in his "Toots Happen" life philosophy.  No matter how many times I throw a pillow at his head or spray Lysol directly on him, the question that pops out of his mouth is:  "Oh... does it smell?  My bad."

Fifteen years.  Fifteen years we've been together... 14.5 of which I have had to wipe grey matter off of the ceiling when my brain explodes due to this particular hobby - YES.  HOBBY. - of his.  For the sake of my sanity, I have taken to rationalizing it.  It's okay... because he fixes my bike flats.  It's okay... because he makes a mean chili.  It's okay... because he doesn't complain when I haven't folded done laundry in a month.  It's okay... because I can always go outside.  Unless he's outside.  And then it's okay... because I can always leave town.

But last week... well, let's just say being called out by your daughters had a different effect on him than I anticipated.  I mean, your 2-year-old calls you out for your loud toot, or your 3-year-old covers her nose in the back of the truck and tells you that you're stinky... you would think that would be humiliating. Right?


Because the 2-year-old?  She laughs at toots.  She'll call you out... and then she'll laugh.  And the 3-year-old?  She has the same tummy troubles as Daddy. So most of the time when she covers her nose and calls someone stinky, it's because SHE'S the one who dealt it. Which leaves Mommy out in the cold.  Which is entirely unfair because Mommy had been banking on the new girls in the house being able to shame Daddy into leaving the room when he needed to toot.

Cut to last week where I finally figured out that the 3-on-1 Mommy thought she would have is actually 1-on-3.  As we were reading a story before bed, Benny sat on a frog. (Another phrase we use in the house.  Think barking spiders... but since spiders are not allowed to live in our house, we have to be creative.)  At the noise, The Bean looked up, focused in on Daddy, pointed at him and said:  "Daddy!  Tooted!"

Benny was a little stunned, but held it together without smiling and recovered by saying:  "I'm sorry.  Excuse me."

To which The Bean exclaimed:  "Tank you!!!" And proceeded to go back to the Dr. Seuss book we were reading. 

As if the conversation never happened. 

As if it was just totally OK to ruin story time with that and not be held accountable because you said you were sorry!

And here's where the tables turned on me.  For good.  I was laughing.  Not because of the toot, but because of the reaction of my youngest and just the absurdity of the entire situation.  Both girls looked at me strangely as I tried to finish the book through tears and laughter.  Which is when Benny tried to claim that because I was laughing, the girls think tooting is okay. 

As if this whole thing is MY fault.

And then.... then last night happened.  The Bean was in our room as we were making the bed and wouldn't you know?  Daddy stepped on a frog.  Again.  Right next to her.  With no regard for her current vertical handicap.  As I looked at him with disdain in my eye, The Bean started laughing.... and then completely forgot the Mommy-Daughter bond that we're SUPPOSED to be sharing.

"Mommy tooted!"

If I hadn't been so dumbstruck that she blamed me for it, I would have set her right and gently explained that Mommy... she doesn't toot.  EVER.  That was all Daddy.  So that finger you're pointing at me?  Needs to be pointed OVER THERE.

Yea.  That would have been the appropriate response.  Not falling onto the bed in a fit of giggles like I did. 

So, apparently, I've taught both girls their first swear words and to laugh at toots. My one success is that they call them toots.  Yay me.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

"Be Not Afraid of Who You Really Are"

Dear girls -
In the soundtrack of our lives as a family, certain songs will always stand out to me and hold special meaning... whisking me away to a certain point in our lives.  Some songs I sing to you in the morning while making breakfast tell you how much I love you.  Some songs I sing in the car to you to see if I can get you to dance in your carseat on the way to school so I don't feel quite so bad about threatening to take away your birthday, and Christmas and Easter if you kept up your nonsense that morning.

And then some... like this one... are everything I want for you in your future.  Those songs... those are the ones that I hope you take into your heart when you're old enough to think about something other than how hungry you are since you had first breakfast and it's been like 10 minutes and you're STARVING.

Part of me identifies with this song because of life experiences that have led me to this wonderful life as your mother. Part of me identifies with it because of the hope that your father and I have that both of you will pick up where we leave off (or where we fail) and lead your life with purpose.  And, part of me wants to not listen to Let's Have A Kiki one more time.  Yea... I brought that into your life by accident and I'm TOTALLY paying the price.

But the point I'm trying to make is that throughout your lives, you're going to make mistakes.  I'm going to make mistakes.  We'll have peaks and we'll have valleys. But never forget that you are strong.  I know, because that's how we raised you.  To be strong.  To be good.  To fight for what's right.  And to love.  And I hope that you both grow up to see every day as an opportunity to change the world... whatever your world might be. 

Lyrics by: Ian Axel

Another year you made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around
And do not save this for tomorow
Embrace the past and you can live for now

And I will give the world to you

Speak louder that the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground

And I would give the world to you

Say everything you’ve always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
Cause in the end we have each other
And thats at least one thing worth living for

And I would give the world to you

A million suns that shine upon me
A million eyes you are the brightest blue
Lets tear the walls down that divide us
And build a statue strong enough for two

I pass it back to you
And I will wait for you

Cause I would give the world
And I would give the world
And I would give the world to you

This is the new year
A new begining
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is the new year
We are the voices
This is the new year