Thursday, November 13, 2014

And That's How She Became A Vegetarian

While on a family outing last night (read:  a trip to Costco), The Bird asked approximately 2 million questions, because WHY and WHY NOT? 

The questions ranged from why we were there yet again, to how come we aren't buying this, or that, or this, or that, or DIS, or DAT??!?!?  (The answer is because until she starts working and earning her keep, Mommy calls the shots and no, we do not need a $175 giant teddy bear.  She already has 175 $1 teddy bears and I think that's sufficient.) 

She, of course, is not one to let a simple shoot down of her dreams of owning the giant teddy bear deter her from asking more questions that demand a response... which leads me to forget the one thing I came to Costco for.  (Usually a year's worth of toilet paper or a day's worth of pumpkin seed bark.)

"What's that?"
"Can I see?"
"Sure... see how they're not broken?  Let's just put them back so they don't break."
"Okay.  What's that?"
"Why did you get salad?"
"Because I like salad."
"But why do you like salad?"
"Because it's yummy!"
"That's weird.  What's that?"
"That's steak."
"What's steak?"
"It's beef."
"What's beef?"
"It's, um... cow."
"I know.  It's yummy."
"Yea!  How do you get the cow into our cart?"
"Well... I buy it here... from the store."
"But how does the store get the cow?"
"Well... they get it from the farmer."
"But HOW does it get so small so we can buy it?"

At this point, I'm frantically looking around for anything to distract her... where is that damn giant teddy bear?  Maybe a sample cookie?  Anything????  But we were un the checkout line and people were lining up behind us... and I sensed that more than a couple strangers were enjoying our little show and were anxious to see how I would handle the situation.  The Bird loves cow on her plate.  And she also loves cow in the field. I just don't think she's ever made the connection, ya know?.

And am I ready to do that to her on a November night, over eggs and salad and steak, in the middle of the checkout line at Costco? No.  Because I already made her wear tennis shoes instead of sandals, so I've hit my Ruined Her Life quota for the day.

So, I did the next best thing.

"You know what, sweetie?  I bet Daddy can answer this for you."
"Ok!  Daddy, how do they get the cow to the store?"

And without missing a beat, the love of my life jumped in.  Head first.

"Well, you see, the cow lives on the farm, right?"

"Right, well, there's a man that is a lot like grandpa.  He's a farmer..."
 "Be careful, babe...."
"Hey!  I got this.  I GOT THIS!"  He looked at me with waaaay more self-assurance than any parent should ever have... and then turned back to The Bird.  

"Okay..." as I looked around nervously and smile at the other shoppers who were trying to pretend they're not eavesdropping.

"So, the farmer - someone a lot like grandpa - comes up to the cow in the field... and KILLS it and SLICES it into small pieces with a KNIFE!  And then the store buys it and then we buy it from the store and eat it....."

And I don't know what else was said because I FELL OVER DEAD RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COSTCO CHECKOUT LINE.