Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A Morning In The Green Boogers & Oatmeal Life

The most common things that come out of my mouth every weekday between 6:27 a.m. and 9 a.m.:

"It's not time to wake up yet... shhhhh!"
"We have 3 more minutes before it's wake-up time."
"If you are in Mommy and Daddy's bed, you have to be quiet."
"Ouch! Go play in your bedroom with sissy... quietly."
"No, you may not have a Fiber One bar."
"Eat your breakfast."
"No... you've had enough Wild Kratts.  Time to get ready for the day."
"Yes... it's school day."
"Oh, I know!  It's horrible. You'll survive." 
"Please get dressed."
"You have to get dressed before Mommy finishes her coffee... or Mommy picks out your outfit."
"Good job getting dressed.  Now, let's try it with the underwear under the pants."
"You look so nice! Thank you for getting dressed on your own."
"No, you cannot wear that.  It's dirty/you wore it yesterday/it's too cold outside for that."
"Did you remember underwear?"
"Did you flush?"
"Wash your hands."
"Hold on one sec... I'll be right there to wipe your bummy!"
"Don't forget to put on your socks."
"Please put on your shoes."
"Nope... wrong feet. Try again, sweetie."
"Where is your coat?"
"Because I said so."
"Stop asking why... just do it."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Stop teasing your sister."
"You can't have mac & cheese for breakfast."
"Please sit on your bummy."
"You do that again, Mommy takes your blankie/teddy bear."
"Don't carry the cat upside down by his tail!"
"Would you like ME to carry YOU that way?"
"You're missing the point."
"Come get your vitamins."
"You get what you get... and you don't throw a fit."
"Deal with it, kiddo."
"No, you can't have gummy bears for breakfast."
"Please go get in the car."
"Because I said so!"
"Brushing your hair does NOT hurt."
"Yes... if you want long hair like Rapunzel you have to stop sucking your thumb and eat your veggies."
"If you want a french braid, you have to sit still."
"You can't ask for a french braid when we're already 10 minutes late!"
"You said you wanted a french braid.  THIS is a french braid!"
"I think what you meant to say was 'thank you'."
"No... I'm done doing hair for a while until you can remember to be grateful."
"You're fine."
"Shake it off."
"You can have Cheerios... or Cheerios."
"We're out of oatmeal."
"We're also out of pancakes."
"No... those are Mommy's special fatty pancakes with whip cream.  No, you may not have them."
"Yes... you may have bacon."
"You wanted toast... that IS toast!"
"It's not nice to steal food off of anyone's plate.  EAT YOUR OWN BREAKFAST."
"The last time I got to eat all my food off my own plate was before you were born, you know that, right?"
"Next time you get out of your seat, that means you're done eating and we give Daddy-monster your breakfast."
"Go get in the car."
"Worry about yourself, please."
"No more tattling!"
"No, you can't take that toy with you."
"Because teacher will take it away."
"Because I said so."
"Where is your blankie?"
"Why are your pants on backwards?"
"Why in the world would you take your shoes off IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL?"
"If you want second breakfast at school, you better hurry!"
"We're totally late... let's move!"
"I'm sorry... I don't know where the Frozen CD is."
"Stop sticking your tongue out."
"You think I can't see you?"
"Yes, I DO have eyes in the back of my head."
"Yes... I DO know everything.  Because I eat my vegetables."
"Because I said so!"
"I love you."
"What do you mean you need something for show and share?"

And that, my friends, is more words than I speak in an entire day at work.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The Bird and Bean's Guide to Waking Up Mommy

Now that the girls are a little older now, I've taken the opportunity to indulge in a hobby that I never had time for when they were babies:  Sleeping In.

Until at least 7 a.m.

Because I'm a rebel that way.

The girls still aren't old enough to tell time, and honestly, I don't think they would give a rat's ass if they could... so they still come into the room at exactly 6:27 a.m. every morning.  Usually it's The Bird first... followed by The Bean about seven minutes later.  The bed's a little tall, so The Bean needs some help getting up. I have perfected lifting her up and over my body to the middle of the bed without opening my eyes.  I can tuck her in with my hands behind my back so I don't really even have to move from the fetal position.

This of course, causes my rib to pop out... but for a few extra minutes of shut eye?  TOTALLY WORTH IT.

You have to give these girls credit... after years of training, they've finally learned to be quiet (mostly) while they are in our bed in the early morning hours.  Usually, we get 22 minutes of additional sleeping time before the nonsense begins. But when it begins, it escalates quickly.

And so I give you:

The Bird and Bean's Guide to Waking Up Mommy 
1) Snuggle up to her and run my big toe toenail along her back or butt.
2) Ask for a Fiber One bar
3) Lick her shoulder
4) Start poking/scratching/biting sister until she cries.
5) Ask for a Fiber One bar, again. 
6) Sit on her head.
7) Ask if today is a school day.  If it is, respond with "Awww... I don't wanna go to school!"  If it isn't, respond with "Yay!  Can we watch Wild Kratts???!"
8) "I'm hungry!!!"
9) Jimmy-leg it until Mommy freaks out and tells you to stop - for the love of God - STOP moving your leg.
10) Jump up and down on the bed.
11) If Daddy's still in bed, "accidentally" land on his privates after jumping on the bed.
12) "Accidentally" dig your elbow into Mommy's bobos while trying to get more comfortable.
13) Ask for a Fiber One bar.  Again.  In case she's changed her mind.
14) Straddle Mommy like a horse and ask:  "Is it time to get up yet?" 43 times.
15) "I have to go potty.... and need you to wipe my bummy."
16) Bring the cat into bed and let him sit on Mommy's head.
17) Toot and then laugh about it... which makes your sissy toot.  Lather, rinse, repeat. 
18) "Can we watch Rudolf?"
19) "I tink I'm sick... can we watch Frosty and da Gwinch?"
20) Pick your nose and then ask Mommy to take the giant green booger on your finger.
21) Start fighting with sissy over who is breathing more air in the room.
22) Start crying because your nose/ear/eye ball/pinky/hair hurts.
23) Slam the door to your room repeatedly.
24) If that doesn't work, slam sissy's fingers in your door. Repeatedly.
25) Open up Mommy's eyes with your finger, and peak in with a concerned look.  If she has slept through all of the above nonsense, you need to confirm she's actually alive.
26) When she does finally wake up, ask her about the Fiber One Bar situation.