Tuesday, July 7, 2009

To My Girls

Jaynee and I are scheduled to meet with our doctor tomorrow for our 24-week checkup. They plan to listen to Tweet's precious little heart beat, measure her growth and check on Jaynee's overall health. I love going to our appointments because we always leave with new information, and we tend to make that information the center of our attention for the next four weeks. That is, until we meet with our doctor again and she gives new information on the health of our baby girl.

As the father I find it easy, especially during the early months of the pregnancy, to feel left out of the process. I'll never get to experience the emotions of being a mother, and I'll always have a different kind of bond with our children. This certainly doesn't make my role as a father less important. Quite the contrary in fact. But it does make our experience different.

I'm not sure what other expectant fathers feel during pregnancy, but I know that I've felt a deep desire to prove myself worthy of fatherhood. To prove not only to myself, but to Jaynee and our unborn Tweetie Pie that I have everything it takes to be a wonderful father.

Early in our pregnancy I made a vow that I wouldn't miss a single doctors appointment. I made that vow partly to keep myself involved in our pregnancy, but also to prove to myself, to Jaynee and to Tweet that I'd always be there for them, which is why my latest decision was so difficult to make.

Tomorrow is our 24-week appointment and I'm going to miss it. Why, you ask? Because I MUST work. There is a project at work that requires my attention. I've struggled with this decision since I found out about the conflict. I had hoped desperately that the conflict would resolve itself, but alas, it hasn't.

This was a really difficult decision for me to make. On one hand, I want to keep my commitment to myself and to my family. I want to be involved in the pregnancy every step of the way. I want prove to my girls that I will be there for them when they need me. But on the other hand, I know in my heart that my girls KNOW that I will always be there when they need me, and that I have everything it takes to be a wonderful father. I also know there is a lesson to be learned from this difficult decision.

As much as I want to believe that I'll always be by their side, there will be days that I will fall short. There WILL be days that I will fail as a father. I hate this realization and I hate having to make this decision.

On one hand, I hate choosing work over my girls. I hate missing a single moment of our pregnancy. I hate being absent when Jaynee wants my support. I hate the fact that Jaynee will hear her heartbeat by herself. I hate the fact that Jaynee will feel excitement and joy about our little girl, but she won't have anyone to share it with. I hate making this decision. I hate, I hate, I hate!

I hate missing out on our little girls life!!!!!!!!

I'm beside myself about this decision. But at the same time, I know there will be times when I MUST work. I know there will be times that I can't be there. I know there are going to be more important times when I MUST be there. I know that despite my absence at the appointment tomorrow that I am, and always will be a wonderful father. I know this is a simple decision, and I know the consequences of my decision will affect me and me only. But for some reason, these facts don't make this decision any easier, which is why I have chosen to re-state my committment to Tweet and Jaynee.

To my girls, whom I love and cherish with all of my heart, I make this commitment; there will be times that I am late and times when I am absent, but when the moment comes and you need me most, I promise to love you, to cherish you, to guide you and support you.

I am your father and your husband, ALWAYS. Though I may be late, or at times absent, you can always count on my love. My love is yours to hold, to cherish and to share. I give you this gift not because I have to, but because I want to. My heart compels me to give of myself for the betterment of you. You are my wife and my daughter, ALWAYS.

May my heart and my love be with you, ALWAYS.

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