Thirty-One Things I'm Going To Do To My Children When They Are Grown... As Payback
1 - Stomp around in my high heels on their nice wood floor. At 6 a.m.
2 - If The Bean serves me anything other than Mac & Cheese, declare loudly that "I don't wike dat!" and refuse to touch it.
3 - Insist that The Bird french braid my hair and if it isn't perfect, melt into a puddle in the middle of the bathroom.
4 - Climb into bed with The Bean and ask if I can have a Fiber One bar. Bring said bar back to the bed and proceed to eat it... dropping chocolate and granola all over her and rubbing it into the sheets.
5 - Go up to The Bird's neighbors and tell them that I didn't wipe... because I drip dry.
6 - Insist on wearing my finest dress for a trip to Home Depot with The Bird.
7 - Call little old ladies poopy-face at the market and then laugh hysterically.
8 -When The Bird asks how my day was, answer with: "Arrrghh! You asked me that YESTERDAY and I ALREADY told you!!"
9 - Insist that The Bird warm up my ice cream by blowing on it... because it's too cold in my mouth.
10 - Poop in my bed and fall asleep next to it.
11 - Take a dry-erase marker to The Bean's friend's pretty white door.
12 - Grab The Bean's breasts in front of her friends and scream: "Bobo's! Bobo's!"
13 - Sit on The Bean's lap... and toot. At will. Repeatedly.
14 - Make both girls push me in the toy carts at the market and drag my hands along the floor the entire time. And then proceed to suck my thumb.
15 - Lick the floor at a BBQ joint... in front of their friends
16 - Mention loudly that the gentleman sitting across from me at the pool is old... because he doesn't have hair.
17 - Exclaim to The Bean that the guy sitting at the table next to us isn't a boy because he has long hair.
18 - Eat all of The Bean's food. Every time she tries to eat.
19 - Insist on smelling all of The Bird's drinks.
20 - When I think they're not looking, drop all of my peas on the floor and then call the dog over.
21 - Run at the pool after being told to walk, slip and fall on my butt... and then cry for 2 hours.
22 -Come out of a public bathroom with a handful of paper towels and insist that I carry them around the rest of the day. Because they are my FAVORITE things ever.
23 - Go into The Bean's bedroom at 3 a.m. and insist she give me cookies.
24 - Say the words: "Did not! Did, too!" 83 times in a row until both girl's ears bleed.
25 - Insist on wearing flip flops in the winter, and stockings and closed-toe shoes in the summer.
26 - Throw up all over The Bean on the last night of vacation.
27 - Scream that The Bird never lets me make the rules for ANYTHING.... because she wouldn't let me wear my super fancy dress to bed.
28 - Pick my nose and then go up to The Bean and hand it to her. Do the same to The Bird 30 seconds later.
29 - Go into The Bird's bedroom at 6 a.m. and ask if I can do chores and sweep the floor.
30 - Freak out because I don't like the song we are listening to in the car, and scream louder than the song so that no one can enjoy it.
31 - Break into The Bird's makeup bag and put her mascara... on my cheeks.
And that's July's list.