Monday, July 21, 2014

Thirty-One Things I'm Going To Do To My Children When They Are Grown... As Payback

I have been inspired by this guy who wrote about his top 10 things he wanted to do when his kids were older to get back at the nonsense they pulled as kids.  And I was all:  Only 10?  I have 10 per day.  So, in no particular order, I give you:

Thirty-One Things I'm Going To Do To My Children When They Are Grown... As Payback

1 - Stomp around in my high heels on their nice wood floor.  At 6 a.m.

2 - If The Bean serves me anything other than Mac & Cheese, declare loudly that "I don't wike dat!" and refuse to touch it.

3 - Insist that The Bird french braid my hair and if it isn't perfect, melt into a puddle in the middle of the bathroom.

4 - Climb into bed with The Bean and ask if I can have a Fiber One bar.  Bring said bar back to the bed and proceed to eat it... dropping chocolate and granola all over her and rubbing it into the sheets.

5 - Go up to The Bird's neighbors and tell them that I didn't wipe... because I drip dry.   

6 - Insist on wearing my finest dress for a trip to Home Depot with The Bird.

7 - Call little old ladies poopy-face at the market and then laugh hysterically.

8 -When The Bird asks how my day was, answer with:  "Arrrghh! You asked me that YESTERDAY and I ALREADY told you!!"

9 - Insist that The Bird warm up my ice cream by blowing on it... because it's too cold in my mouth.

10 - Poop in my bed and fall asleep next to it.

11 - Take a dry-erase marker to The Bean's friend's pretty white door.

12 - Grab The Bean's breasts in front of her friends and scream:  "Bobo's!  Bobo's!"

13 - Sit on The Bean's lap... and toot.  At will.  Repeatedly.

14 - Make both girls push me in the toy carts at the market and drag my hands along the floor the entire time.  And then proceed to suck my thumb.

15 - Lick the floor at a BBQ joint... in front of their friends

16 - Mention loudly that the gentleman sitting across from me at the pool is old... because he doesn't have hair.

17 - Exclaim to The Bean that the guy sitting at the table next to us isn't a boy because he has long hair. 

18 - Eat all of The Bean's food.  Every time she tries to eat.

19 - Insist on smelling all of The Bird's drinks.

20 - When I think they're not looking, drop all of my peas on the floor and then call the dog over.

21 - Run at the pool after being told to walk, slip and fall on my butt... and then cry for 2 hours.

22 -Come out of a public bathroom with a handful of paper towels and insist that I carry them around the rest of the day.  Because they are my FAVORITE things ever.

23 - Go into The Bean's bedroom at 3 a.m. and insist she give me cookies.

24 - Say the words:  "Did not! Did, too!" 83 times in a row until both girl's ears bleed.

25 - Insist on wearing flip flops in the winter, and stockings and closed-toe shoes in the summer.

26 - Throw up all over The Bean on the last night of vacation.

27 - Scream that The Bird never lets me make the rules for ANYTHING.... because she wouldn't let me wear my super fancy dress to bed.

28 - Pick my nose and then go up to The Bean and hand it to her.  Do the same to The Bird 30 seconds later.

29 - Go into The Bird's bedroom at 6 a.m. and ask if I can do chores and sweep the floor.

30 - Freak out because I don't like the song we are listening to in the car, and scream louder than the song so that no one can enjoy it.

31 - Break into The Bird's makeup bag and put her mascara... on my cheeks.  

And that's July's list.

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