Monday, November 18, 2013

In Other Words, It Snowed On Saturday

Today at crossfit, Coach asked me:  "What was your favorite thing about this weekend?"

I hesitated because I'm often dubious of these types of questions because, you know... what's your angle, here?  How do you plan to use this information against me during the WOD to make me cry?  How many burpees are you going to throw at me for that margarita?

Honestly, given the way my weekend rolled out, I thought it was a trick question.  Because the weekend?  The weekend was rough.  Like Pull-Out-My-Eyelashes-One-by-One rough.  My favorite thing about the weekend?  I dunno... that I survived it?

But you say that, and people think you're joking.  Or being sarcastic.  They don't realize that saying it out loud is just another form of coping and processing what could only be described as a shit show.  And you know what?  We should be celebrating that survival!  Not sitting back as parents and feeling bad that the only thing to brag about the weekend is that everyone made it out alive.

But, we don't.  Because some scars... they're just too fresh.  The wounds too deep to just get over with high fives, a joke, or a glass of wine shot of tequila with your husband.  

And that's why God invented blogging.  

 So, yea.. we're alive and hey!!  For the first time in months my kitchen and living room floors are cleaned.  I mean, I still wouldn't consider eating off them because it's highly likely that the dog has already dragged her butt on them because that's just what she does whenever she sees a clean floor.  But to the naked eye?  LOOKS DAMN GOOD.

And, of course, the only way the cleaning of the floors was able to happen was because Sunday, I put on my Mean Mommy hat, made both girls play downstairs with their toys (the AUDACITY!) and put the dog outside for two hours so that I could properly muck out the barn.  Because, yes... when I dumped that bucket of mop water, I found hay, oats and a substance that's either pre-chewed hot dog in the corner of the kitchen... or turkey poop.

I thank the Lord for that Sunday and my complete and utter worshiping of the clean floors.  Because Saturday?  Saturday was a lesson in getting my ass handed to me by the tiny humans that I feed and clothe and love with all of my heart.  Don't believe that two grown, educated adults can be brought to their knees by 3-footers who don't know how to spell cat, yet?  Here are a couple of examples of the typical asshatish stunts they pulled all day:

1)  Nostalgia Can Go Ahead And Suck It
After purchasing The Little Mermaid soundtrack, I attempted to relive some of my childhood memories and put it in the CD player for some quality Disney time with the girls.  At which point they both started screaming that they couldn't see it.  Because - and this is not their fault - they don't know the difference between a CD and a DVD.  (Side note: I blame myself, but at the same time, I also give myself a high-five that they are so technologically disadvantaged.  They still live in a 3D world and know what grass and dirt feel like. Point Mommy.) I didn't try to explain the difference, but I did lay it out  that this was just songs.  JUST. SONGS. 

And THAT went over like a fart in church. 

When they finally calmed down enough to "understand" that it was just songs, I had to repeatedly stop the CD because they would not stop asking who was singing.
"MOMMY!!! Is this the mermaid?"  
"MOMMY!!! Is this the witch?"  
"MOMMY!!! Is this the crab?"
"MOMMY!!! Why are they singing that??" 

And the answer to that one is: "Yes, okay?  It is!!  It's melting my brain as we speak.  JUST LISTEN TO THE SONGS!!!!"
For those of you who are thinking of having kids... seriously, just close your eyes and try to picture how this whole thing went down.  Think about how a 36-year-old woman who will never back down from a fight if she knows she is right... who can, if challenged, walk the ridgepole of a roof a la Anne Shirley... who has jumped off 70-foot cliffs into the ocean into shark infested water because YOLO (before YOLO was a thing).... who once hit 60 mph going down a hill on her road bike (and who, it is increasingly clear, is a bit of a thrill seeker)... who has a successful career and is not cowed by much in her work life... Go ahead and think about what it takes for THAT woman to end  up pulling into the driveway, jumping out of the car and punching the bricks on the house to give her a good reason to scream and cry.  THAT woman is broken for that one moment.  

Her kids were able to accomplish that break in less than 30 minutes.  No one and nothing else has even come close to that feat. But her kids, they drive her bucking fanana's sometimes.  And it's just so hard to love someone so much, but also be incredibly annoyed by them.  It's a disconnect that will drive you absolutely BATTY.

And if you read that and didn't hurry to get yourself some more birth control, it's clear that you, too, are a serious thrill seeker.  And don't mind losing your ever-loving mind. I don't blame you for thinking that it can't be that bad and it's likely more of an outlier, rather than A Day In The Life of every mother, everywhere.  Go ahead and tell yourself that. If I hadn't gone through that bit of madness, I would have no idea how maddening something like that would be.  

After pulling into the driveway with the girls crying because of the Curse of The Disney, Benny had to come out to the car and run interference as The Bird had dropped her fries twice and after I helped her pick them off the wet driveway once and she dropped the whole box AGAIN?  I. Was. Done.  And I needed to hit some more bricks.  This time, with my face.

2)  Shoe Time
The Bean needed new shoes so last week I went to a consignment shop and found two super-cute pairs of size 8 shoes.  I picked size 8 because it seemed about right.  I mean, her toe was literally sticking out of the size 7 I'd had her in all summer.  So, size 8 should work.  Plus, she's only 2... how big can her feet be?  She was pretty excited about the purchase when I brought them home, but I noticed that putting the shoes on was difficult. Of course, try to explain that new shoes might be too small to an opinionated 2-year-old and watch her face melt off.  So, on Saturday, I took both girls to Target and decided we'd just check her sizing there.  When she came back as a size 10.5, I punched myself in the face for being that mom that doesn't track on her youngest child's sizing the way she did with her oldest.  Of course, we needed to purchase her a new pair of shoes right then and there because... I FELT HORRIBLE.  But would The Bird stand for it?  Would The Bird remember that last week, she got two new pairs of shoes that actually fit her so she didn't need another pair of shoes just because The Bean was getting one?  

The short answer is HELL. NO.   The long answer is that I was punching myself in the face for walking into that one like a freakin' rookie.   After which, it's entirely possible that I texted a girlfriend that I was raising a generation of self-entitled a#$holes.  

3) My Daughter, Ladies and Gentlemen
Because Saturday also happened to be Benny's birthday and we were going on a much-needed date, my sis came over to babysit.  After we left, The Bird threw some food on the floor and when she was told to pick it up, she smugly said:  "No... that's what Mommy does."  

EXCUSE ME??  Last week, The Bird was being... well, a 4-year-old... and decided to purposely tilt her pelvis up while peeing on the potty and shoot pee all over the floor.  The bathtub.  And Mommy.   The Bird ended up cleaning up her mess and also ended up with quite the talking to.  And guess who decided to copy her sister 30 seconds later because it seemed like the right thing to do?  Holy geez, I don't have enough toes to stay on all of them all the time.  Something's gotta give here.

Bottom line:  I've had both girls clean up their spills for the last few months. So, I want to know what in the hell THAT comment was all about.  Because there's a serious disconnect and mama's not down with that. 

But did I mention any of this to Coach?  Nope.  Because he was holding his little baby boy and was happy and genuinely wanted to know about the good parts of my weekend.  I could have said that my favorite part of the weekend was 7:30 each night when the kids went to bed, but that seems overly harsh to a somewhat new parent.  And, you know... I tend to complain. A lot.  Even when I'm happy.  I could have mentioned the 25 minutes of clean floors I had before lunch on Sunday.  That made me very happy.  I could have mentioned that I told The Bird that the secret to having super long hair like Rapunzel is that your hair doesn't grow when you suck your thumb... and seriously, that might be the thumb-sucking lie that actually works. 

But instead, I went with: 

"We went to Movie Grille and saw a terrible movie.  But they brought us beer and wine and we had recliners.  It was awesome."

So, all in all?  It was a good weekend.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Daddy The (Fashion) Menace

Dear Girls -
When the day comes when you cry and scream that you hate me and that I'm trying to ruin your social life, I shall calmly pull out this picture and remind you that PLEASE. YOUR FATHER TOOK CARE OF THAT A LOOOONNNNNGGGG TIME AGO.  

It's called Epic Parenting.  AND I WE HAS IT.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

50 Reasons Why We're Late

Full disclosure, I stole this idea from Suburban Jungle. And also? She's my new hero.

We're late.  A lot.  And although sometimes it's totally my fault, most of the time it's the fault of the Little Dictators to whom we provide food, shelter and unconditional love.  And I can only console myself with the fact that pre-kids, I gave my mommy friends a lot of leeway when showing up late for something... because I had a feeling I would end up in a similar boat and didn't want karma to kick me in the face. Let this be a lesson for all of you Not Yet Parents or Never Want To Be Parents.  Take it easy on us... we have a whole 'notha life going on.

So, in Suburban Jungle style, here is a list of reasons of why our little family is late all the live long day.  I want to be clear that each of these things has happened at some point... some have happened at the same time because if we're going to be late, let's really make it worth our while.  As twisted as my mind is, even I couldn't make up some of the ridiculousness that is listed below.

So here they are, in no particular order:

50 Reasons Why We're Late
1 - The Bean can't find her tie shoes.  Because Mommy threw them away.

2 - There wasn't enough milk put into the Cheerios.  Hostages were taken.

3 - The Bird's socks weren't smiling at her.

4 - It's not Tumblebus day at school, so we have no incentive to get moving.

5 - The kids made me drink and I had to sober up.  Which is why we just decided to walk, mkay?

6 - Bonnie chewed on the corner of The Bean's blanket.  Causing The Bean's face to melt off.

7 - We're not going to make it to Second Breakfast at school anyway, so who cares?

8 - I had to wrestle a badger.  Which is to say I had to clip The Bird's talons toenails .

9 - The Little Dictators wanted more bacon.

10 - The Little Dictators insisted on toenail polish because I had new polish on my toes.

11 - I lost track of time because I was hiding in the closet, eating the one slice of bacon left... and painting my toenails.

12 - The Bird's leotard is making her bummy itch.

13 - The Bird wants the leotard that The Bean is wearing.

14 - The Bean has taken off all of her clothes to go potty.

15 - The Bird tried to put The Bean's leotard on and got stuck.

16 - The Bean refused to let me help her put on underwear.  And then got stuck in said underwear.

17 - The Bird discovered that The Bean was wearing her underwear and "She's already pooped in three pairs of my undies, Mama!!"

18 - While spinning around in circles, The Bean managed to run into the fridge eyeball first.

19 - The Bird had an imaginary owie that needed three bandaids.

20 - We couldn't find The Bean's Cat In The Hat socks.

21 - The Bird couldn't decide which baby she should take for Show&Share.

22 - The Bean had to go to timeout because she couldn't remember not to hit Mommy when she didn't get her way.

23 - The Bean had to go to timeout because the words "poopy butt" were banned after she said it to a little old lady at the store.  And they certainly are banned at the breakfast table.

24 - The Bird called the The Bean "Earwax" and Mommy had to go into timeout so they didn't see her laugh hysterically, lest they decide that calling someone Earwax is encouraged in our family.

25 - Mommy can't find her phone.

26 - Mommy can't find her keys.

27 - Daddy has Mommy's keys.  But left his phone home.  So Mommy is keyless and upset.

28 - On the way out of the door, it comes to Mommy's attention that wait... WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF???

29 - The Bird decided that shorts go much better with her winter coat than long pants.

30 - The braid in The Birds hair isn't quite perfect.  START AGAIN, MOMMY.

31 - "We've only had 3 bran muffins each.  We need 16."

32 - The Bean needs to poop.

33 - The Bird needs to poop.

34 - The Bird does not like the jacket she's supposed to wear. 

35 - "But I wanna watch Super Why!!  I never get to watch Super Why!" This, after two episodes of Super Why that morning.

36 - Mommy had to run in and get the vitamins she forgot to give them over breakfast.  Because without them, both may end up with scurvy due to a lack of nutritional elements that chicken nuggets and peas don't provide.


38 - Time to eat snow.

39 - The dog got on top of the table and started eating the bran muffins the kids had left while taking their shoes off.  So... we need more muffins!

40 - The Little Dictators found out that where we're going?  Doesn't have cookies.

41 - "But whhhyyyyyy do I have to wear pants?"

42 - The Bird had a meltdown because I used The Bean's flyswatter to kill the moth, instead of her flyswatter.

43 - The girls got in a knock-down fight over who got to climb in the car first.

44 - The girls want to see the video Mommy just took of them fighting over who got to climb in the car first.

45 - The Bean needs a tissue for her nose.  NOT THE TOILET PAPER YOU BROUGHT HER.  Heads will roll.

46 - Desperately needed to read Go, Dog, Go!  For the 32nd time.

47 - The Bean decided to wash her cup in the toilet.

48 - The Bean decided that her walls needed a splash of Crayon color.

49 - "I wanna do it!" is the refrain heard from both girls for everything from buckling their car seats to getting out of the car. 

50 - Both girls were downstairs playing quietly and Mommy decided she was actually going to enjoy a cup of coffee, because that moment has been 4 years in the making.  Fine.  This one's on me.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

November In The Mountains

Both Hazel and I have fought a particularly nasty head cold that's been floating around the city lately, and today we all finally felt well enough for all of us to take a walk on the river... one of our favorite things to do in Ogden.  

So, we all drove down to the Ogden River and walked along the newly restored section.  We saw, bikers, joggers, walkers and DUCKS!  Ducks that The Bonnie quickly chased upstream, but ducks nonetheless. The Bird picked wildflowers which I think is probably frowned upon... but when a 4-year-old hands you a flower that she picked and says proudly:  "This is for you, because I wuv you," you take the flower, stick it behind your ear, give her a hug and hold on to that memory FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

The girls love to throw rocks, and the river is the only place that they're allowed to do so.  I'm sure the fisherman in Daddy was cringing on the inside... but we weren't there to fish, we were there to experience.  We were there to make memories.  We were there to laugh.  And we did it all.  We played in the leaves, posed for pictures and got our hands dirty in the mud.  That's okay, though... because if we know anything, we know that Mommy's jeans are perfect to wipe dirty little hands on... heaven forbid we wipe them on our own jeans.  Heaven forbid we wipe our boogers on the bottom of our shoes, when Mommy's leg is right. there.  But that's another story. 

After playing in the river, we walked over to a riverside park and played for a while before heading down for lunch at Slackwater.  Fantastic pizza special yesterday... European Union.  With gnocchi!  Gnocchi on a pizza?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS BIT OF BRILLIANCE?  And the kiddos got their very own cheese pizza... of which Millie at 3/4 of on her own and left Hazel saying:  "But... I'm still hungry!"  And left me saying:  "You're going to have to learn this lesson earlier than I expected, but kiddo, you gotta get yours while you can.  It's every woman for herself with the food hits the table."   

Anyway, great meal and awesome view over the river.  Oh and... um... we NEED MORE SLACKWATERS on the river.  Seriously... people could will make a KILLING if they have river views from a cafe/coffee shop/wine bar on the river.  OH. MY. GOD.  We need a wine bar on the river!  We need a coffee shop/smoothie joint!  One that allows pets!  And sells, I dunno... doggie treats as well!  THEY COULD MAKE A KILLING THERE.  You know what else?  We need a cookie shop... they kind where you can make your own ice cream sandwich.  RIGHT. ON. THE. RIVER.  And you could eat said ice cream out on the patio... overlooking the river.  We need a little deli-type restaurant on the river... one where you could pull over after a run/walk and grab something healthy to eat... and a beer because OF COURSE!... and just enjoy the day on the river. 

I've got big plans for Ogden.  Not so much the funds... but big plans.  

Anyway, that was our Saturday in Ogden. 70 degrees in November?  I'll take it.  Benny took a bunch of footage of the river... which turns out to be unusable because he had it set on low resolution and the perfectionist in him cannot. handle. it.  The plan was to go back today but it freaking snowed.  SNOWED.

Welcome to life in Ogden, Utah.