We're late. A lot. And although sometimes it's totally my fault, most of the time it's the fault of the Little Dictators to whom we provide food, shelter and unconditional love. And I can only console myself with the fact that pre-kids, I gave my mommy friends a lot of leeway when showing up late for something... because I had a feeling I would end up in a similar boat and didn't want karma to kick me in the face. Let this be a lesson for all of you Not Yet Parents or Never Want To Be Parents. Take it easy on us... we have a whole 'notha life going on.
So, in Suburban Jungle style, here is a list of reasons of why our little family is late all the live long day. I want to be clear that each of these things has happened at some point... some have happened at the same time because if we're going to be late, let's really make it worth our while. As twisted as my mind is, even I couldn't make up some of the ridiculousness that is listed below.
So here they are, in no particular order:
50 Reasons Why We're Late
1 - The Bean can't find her tie shoes. Because Mommy threw them away.
2 - There wasn't enough milk put into the Cheerios. Hostages were taken.
3 - The Bird's socks weren't smiling at her.
4 - It's not Tumblebus day at school, so we have no incentive to get moving.
5 - The kids made me drink and I had to sober up. Which is why we just decided to walk, mkay?
6 - Bonnie chewed on the corner of The Bean's blanket. Causing The Bean's face to melt off.
7 - We're not going to make it to Second Breakfast at school anyway, so who cares?
8 - I had to wrestle a badger. Which is to say I had to clip The Bird's
9 - The Little Dictators wanted more bacon.
10 - The Little Dictators insisted on toenail polish because I had new polish on my toes.
11 - I lost track of time because I was hiding in the closet, eating the one slice of bacon left... and painting my toenails.
12 - The Bird's leotard is making her bummy itch.
13 - The Bird wants the leotard that The Bean is wearing.
14 - The Bean has taken off all of her clothes to go potty.
15 - The Bird tried to put The Bean's leotard on and got stuck.
16 - The Bean refused to let me help her put on underwear. And then got stuck in said underwear.
17 - The Bird discovered that The Bean was wearing her underwear and "She's already pooped in three pairs of my undies, Mama!!"
18 - While spinning around in circles, The Bean managed to run into the fridge eyeball first.
19 - The Bird had an imaginary owie that needed three bandaids.
20 - We couldn't find The Bean's Cat In The Hat socks.
21 - The Bird couldn't decide which baby she should take for Show&Share.
22 - The Bean had to go to timeout because she couldn't remember not to hit Mommy when she didn't get her way.
23 - The Bean had to go to timeout because the words "poopy butt" were banned after she said it to a little old lady at the store. And they certainly are banned at the breakfast table.
24 - The Bird called the The Bean "Earwax" and Mommy had to go into timeout so they didn't see her laugh hysterically, lest they decide that calling someone Earwax is encouraged in our family.
25 - Mommy can't find her phone.
26 - Mommy can't find her keys.
27 - Daddy has Mommy's keys. But left his phone home. So Mommy is keyless and upset.
28 - On the way out of the door, it comes to Mommy's attention that wait... WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF???
29 - The Bird decided that shorts go much better with her winter coat than long pants.
30 - The braid in The Birds hair isn't quite perfect. START AGAIN, MOMMY.
31 - "We've only had 3 bran muffins each. We need 16."
32 - The Bean needs to poop.
33 - The Bird needs to poop.
34 - The Bird does not like the jacket she's supposed to wear.
35 - "But I wanna watch Super Why!! I never get to watch Super Why!" This, after two episodes of Super Why that morning.
36 - Mommy had to run in and get the vitamins she forgot to give them over breakfast. Because without them, both may end up with scurvy due to a lack of nutritional elements that chicken nuggets and peas don't provide.
37 - "It snowed!! DID YOU SEE IT SNOWED? WOOK AT DAT! IT SNOWED, MAMA! Wookit! Wookit! WOOKIT, MAMA! YOU ARE NOT WOOKING!!!"
38 - Time to eat snow.
39 - The dog got on top of the table and started eating the bran muffins the kids had left while taking their shoes off. So... we need more muffins!
40 - The Little Dictators found out that where we're going? Doesn't have cookies.
41 - "But whhhyyyyyy do I have to wear pants?"
42 - The Bird had a meltdown because I used The Bean's flyswatter to kill the moth, instead of her flyswatter.
43 - The girls got in a knock-down fight over who got to climb in the car first.
44 - The girls want to see the video Mommy just took of them fighting over who got to climb in the car first.
45 - The Bean needs a tissue for her nose. NOT THE TOILET PAPER YOU BROUGHT HER. Heads will roll.
46 - Desperately needed to read Go, Dog, Go! For the 32nd time.
47 - The Bean decided to wash her cup in the toilet.
48 - The Bean decided that her walls needed a splash of Crayon color.
49 - "I wanna do it!" is the refrain heard from both girls for everything from buckling their car seats to getting out of the car.
50 - Both girls were downstairs playing quietly and Mommy decided she was actually going to enjoy a cup of coffee, because that moment has been 4 years in the making. Fine. This one's on me.