Sunday, May 1, 2011

Growing Up (too fast!)

Dear Millie Bean,
Well... it was imminent.  I knew this day would come. I hoped it wouldn't... I hoped that somehow the space/time continuum would somehow prevent you from growing up... prevent me from having to go back to work and therefore put my little baby in day care.

Daddy took this picture today to show that you're already too long for the 9 month old PJ's we've got you in.
But, no... I write this to you the night before your life is going to change and I can't help but get teary-eyed.  I can't help but notice the big lump in my throat.  I can't help but feel like I'm gonna throw up just a little bit.


I thought that I would be ready for it, as in the last 18 months or so, I've grown up a little bit and one would think I would have more control over my emotions.  And having gone through this once before with your sister, I should be able to handle it with a modicum of maturity.

Yea... no.  It's not happening. 

You're going to "school" tomorrow with your sister.  Something that you've kind of been doing the last few weeks.  But this time, instead of dropping off Hazel and coming back home with me to nap, eat or play... well, you're going to stay there.  In the care of perfect strangers.  Strangers to you.  Not me.  I know these women.  I trust these women.  And I know... I KNOW... that you won't remember it.  And, you'll probably be just fine.  But, Mommy won't.  And Mommy will remember this day.  Just like I remember the day we dropped off your sister the first time . And the anxiety I had for the first few weeks she was there.

Seriously, baby girl... it's gonna be tough on me.  And I can only hope that it being tough on me will somehow make it easier on you.

But how can these women possibly take as good of care of you as I do???  Are they going to sit and smile back at you after you finish eating?  Are they going to talk jibber-jabber to you and laugh with you?  Are you going to have that connection with someone?  I feel like those moments the two of us have shared have helped you grow and learn and love.  You are truly a happy baby, but is that happiness directed at only Mommy and Daddy?  Will you still have that same smile when I pick you up tomorrow after work?  Will you still be my Chilly Millie?

And what about sleep??? Are you going to be able to sleep there?  We've already discovered that when you don't get enough sleep at night, you are miserable and patently unhappy. And since the only thing I've ever wanted for my children is their happiness, I did whatever it took for you to regain that happy, chill demeanor we love so much.

I'm just so sad, Millie.  I was sad when I took Hazel to day care the first day.  Cried into my coffee for hours.  It just feels like I'm letting someone else raise you... and that seriously BLOWS.  I have so enjoyed my time with you these past 10 weeks and I know I'll never get that ever again.  Sure, we'll have a week here and a week there when we're on vacation as a family.  But it's not the same.  You're going to come home from day care every day... completely different.  That's how much and how quickly you're changing right now.  And I've been there with you during every growth spurt, every extra chin appearance (you have like 4 now)(cuz apparently my breastmilk is made of ice cream and cadbury eggs)(how that happened... well, that's the reason Mommy is going to the gym).  I've watched your lashes grow every day.  So, while the changes shocked everyone, I was like:  Yea... I was there when that third chin appeared.  Awesome, huh?

But, now... well, I can't help but feel like I'm now one of the outsiders.  Cuz now we don't have our special Cone of Happiness that we've had the last 10 weeks (give or take a bad gas bubble that just won't pass).

So, yea.... tomorrow is gonna suck.  I am dreading it.  Please know that I love you and am doing what I think is best for you and for our family.  And please forgive me for it.


PS - The President announced tonight that we killed Osama bin Laden.  Thought you would like to know that on the night this was announced, you were sound asleep in your crib, Daddy was sitting on the chair, I was sitting on the couch trying to write you this letter and your sister was asleep in her room. 

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