Infamy

Dear Hazel,
January 4th, 2010. A day that will live in infamy.

Two notables for today. First, you slept through the night. Like... SERIOUSLY through the night. Not a go to bed at 11 and wake up at 4 or 5, "through the night" as is your norm. But go to bed at 9:45 and have to be awoken by me at 7:10. Otherwise known at 9.5 hours!!! And, honestly... had I not had to wake you up to get ready to go to day care, you would probably have slept 10 hours. TEN. WHOLE. HOURS. In a ROW.

And, and, AND... the night before that? You slept for 8 hours in a row. Back-to-back nights of solid sleep is unheard of with you!! I mean, sure, sure... you slept 8.5 hours the night after your first round of immunizations... but I can't really count that. You were sleeping off a really bad disease hangover. But this? THIS was all on your own. Unassisted. It was magic.

Oh... and bonus feature: Guess who didn't have a wet diaper this morning? I mean... are you attempting the unthinkable? Sleeping through the night and potty training yourself... AT THE SAME TIME??? Are you really that amazing? Cuz I'm thinkin'... YOU. TOTALLY. ARE.

Anyhoo... I, unfortunately, didn't rock 9.5 hours myself because I was up all night worrying/obsessing/feeling guilty for the other notable for today: Sending you to day care.

I'll be the first to admit that 6 weeks ago? I was looking forward to sending you to day care. Mostly because I was at the end of my rope, wondering what to do with you and thinking that someone else - ANYONE else, really - would likely do a much better job of taking care of you because I had yet to figure you out. I had certainly not figured out how to keep you from screaming bloody murder from sun up to sun down.

But the last six weeks? Amazing. You are such a beautiful spirit. You are soooo happy and you adapt to pretty much any situation. We have become totally mobile with you and even took you to a college basketball game on New Year's Day. And you only cried once when the announcer got a bit too excited on a play and boomed his voice over the system a BIT. TOO. LOUDLY.... right as you were about to fall asleep and you startled and started crying. I couldn't blame you... it scared me, too!

So, this morning when I had to rouse you out of a solid slumber and get you fed and dressed for the day, I was trying to keep a brave face on so that you wouldn't feed off of my anxiety. Your father went to the office late this morning so that he could be my shoulder to cry on and he watched you while I quietly sobbed in the shower. Then, as I put my makeup on... I kept staring at my reflection in the mirror and thinking that I couldn't believe that this day was upon us and here I was, getting ready for work for the first time since you'd entered our lives... and how could I possibly be sending you to someone else to care for you??? How is this about to become my new, new normal?

You were absolutely amazing this morning. We got you changed and in the car with no issues... and by the time we got to day care... which only took us 10 minutes or so... you were fast asleep. This, however, did not make leaving you any easier.

I don't remember much from this morning's drop-off... because I was sobbing uncontrollably and even your dad couldn't comfort me. Me. The mother who felt like she was choosing her career over her child. Thank God you weren't awake to see the spectacle I made of myself. It would have embarrassed you. But really... who are we kidding here? The birthing process left me with zero dignity... so it's not like I lost it at your day care.

I came to see you on my lunch break. When I walked in, one of the workers was holding you in your blanket and you were sound asleep with the pacifier in your mouth, holding it against her chest. This technique, by the way, has NEVER worked for me. But then again, you would never confuse me with your average Baby Whisperer that works at the day care. She saw me and thought it would be a good idea for me to hold you. Which... yea... I knew what would happen. You woke up immediately and started screaming bloody murder. That's what you do sometimes when you're tired. I finally got you calmed back down and you took a couple of cat naps in my arms before you woke up for real and needed to be fed.

After your feeding, I gave you back to Frankie and headed back to work. Tell me something, Hazey... why is it that when the staff at day care swaddle you, you LOVE it and go to sleep in the crib. But when I swaddle you, you cry and kick yourself out of it and REFUSE to sleep in your crib during the day? Hmmm?????? Just more proof that even though I think I know you... I clearly still have no idea.

Anyway, I picked you up at 4:45 and came home tonight. You didn't seem any worse for wear... you were happy and were wide awake after your feeding... even though you'd basically been awake for 2.5 hours and you usually lose your mind after about 1.5 hours of wake time. So... I guess that we'll just have to figure out the new schedule that has already been developed after one day at day care. I mean, usually during the day, I can count on at least two long naps of at least 2.5 hours. Today, you had two hour long naps, and a couple of 30 minute naps. I wonder how that's going to affect your sleep tonight. Will you sleep through the night again? Will you be that easy of a baby?

Only time will tell. For now, I'll just watch you nap in your swing and hope that you don't sleep too long and push back your bedtime. Mama's tired, baby girl. You may not have had a rough day... but I did.

Love,
Mama