I've been going through a bit of a valley recently. Those of you who know me well... well, you probably have no idea. I don't usually broadcast my downs without trying to make a joke of it or find some humor in it.
The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what's getting me down. Like any good recipe, there's a little bit of this, a little bit of that.... broil at 350 and take cover. At least, that's how I cook.
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been able to crossfit on a regular basis lately. Most of that is work related. And as I've said over and over again... crossfit makes me a better employee, wife and mommy. And when I can't get to the gym... bad things happen. Cookies find their way to my plate and my hips mysteriously. I have a meltdown at an intersection because one of the girls is losing her mind about an imaginary issue. I threaten to take away Christmas. You know... those kinds of things.
Simply put, crossfit makes me a better person.
A better person with huge quads and super tough belly fat, but a better person nonetheless.
But I can't just have crossfit. I have to have another outlet. A creative outlet. So, as a way to self-medicate that is cheaper than booze, I've recommitted myself to this blog. What you're going to see is more about my life as a mother, a wife, a girlfriend and a wannabe wine critic.
I'll still be writing my girls the occasional letter and you'll probably see a few big ones to Millie soon because, let's face it... that poor kid never gets a letter on time and a LOT has happened with her in the last few months. But my goal is to get caught up with that by the end of this week, so that I can then focus on current events in this thing we call life.
One of the things that I miss out on in my current profession is the ability to touch peoples lives and make a difference in the world. I work in an office that has very few people coming and going. My only outlet to feed my intrinsic desire to make an impact on this world is a few people on the other end of the line whom I work for when issues rise up to my level. And, let's be honest... that's kind of a bummer for an outgoing person. What I've learned about myself in the last few months is that as much as I complain about humans in general.... I really need human contact.
Look at me... I'm growing.
As I started to look at my life and what I thought I would get out of it versus what I'm currently getting out of it versus what I really want to get out of it, it really resonated that I need to fill that space in my life... that space that needs to feel like I have a purpose. Of course, my overall purpose in life? Love my two little girls and teach them how to be strong and happy and how to pursue their dreams. Pressure, much? But I can't just only talk to them about it. I must show them.
Benny and I have talked about this at length... our desire to live with purpose. How do we get to that purpose? And what in the world IS that purpose?
Eight years ago when I started blogging (yes, it's been eight years)(try to keep up) where I found my purpose was in my writing. I found purpose and joy in knowing that my writing could make someone's day, or maybe help someone get through a tough time, or... you know, maybe put someone into labor (and for those of you keeping count, I'm currently at 2)(that I know of). Yes, it was cathartic for me... but what made it even better and more fulfilling is putting something out there for the whole world to read and knowing that it made someone's day a little brighter, or maybe helped someone view things differently. I know that's what I get out of the blogs I choose to read.
Just the other day, I read a post by one of my good friends about how she always cooked dinner for her kids and they always had dinner as a family and how that is becoming more the exception than the rule. And to be honest, it made me take a look at how we eat as a family. Let's be honest, having dinner with a 3-year-old and an almost 2-year-old is about as fun as chewing on drywall. It's not relaxing, it's not fulfilling... so Benny and I have started to make them their dinner, and either continue to putter around the house while they're eating, or sit at the table and watch them eat (newsflash: THEY DON'T), and then we eat something together after they go to bed.
That's not what I want my kids remembering, and that's not what I want them thinking is appropriate. And it took a simple post from a friend for it to register.
Because I'm that out of touch with reality sometimes.
We all have wisdom in some way or another. Even if we don't know it. Most of the things I write about on here are just my way of coping with or dealing with whatever life throws at me. And who knows? Maybe it can help someone in Indiana. Or India. The point is, this medium gives us all a long reach. It's up to us how we use it.
And, if at the end of the day, there is truly no wisdom or laughter to be gained by my blog, that's just fine to. Because at the end of the day? This is for me.
And that's enough.