Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The Bird and Bean's Guide to Waking Up Mommy

Now that the girls are a little older now, I've taken the opportunity to indulge in a hobby that I never had time for when they were babies:  Sleeping In.

Until at least 7 a.m.

Because I'm a rebel that way.

The girls still aren't old enough to tell time, and honestly, I don't think they would give a rat's ass if they could... so they still come into the room at exactly 6:27 a.m. every morning.  Usually it's The Bird first... followed by The Bean about seven minutes later.  The bed's a little tall, so The Bean needs some help getting up. I have perfected lifting her up and over my body to the middle of the bed without opening my eyes.  I can tuck her in with my hands behind my back so I don't really even have to move from the fetal position.

This of course, causes my rib to pop out... but for a few extra minutes of shut eye?  TOTALLY WORTH IT.

You have to give these girls credit... after years of training, they've finally learned to be quiet (mostly) while they are in our bed in the early morning hours.  Usually, we get 22 minutes of additional sleeping time before the nonsense begins. But when it begins, it escalates quickly.

And so I give you:

The Bird and Bean's Guide to Waking Up Mommy 
1) Snuggle up to her and run my big toe toenail along her back or butt.
2) Ask for a Fiber One bar
3) Lick her shoulder
4) Start poking/scratching/biting sister until she cries.
5) Ask for a Fiber One bar, again. 
6) Sit on her head.
7) Ask if today is a school day.  If it is, respond with "Awww... I don't wanna go to school!"  If it isn't, respond with "Yay!  Can we watch Wild Kratts???!"
8) "I'm hungry!!!"
9) Jimmy-leg it until Mommy freaks out and tells you to stop - for the love of God - STOP moving your leg.
10) Jump up and down on the bed.
11) If Daddy's still in bed, "accidentally" land on his privates after jumping on the bed.
12) "Accidentally" dig your elbow into Mommy's bobos while trying to get more comfortable.
13) Ask for a Fiber One bar.  Again.  In case she's changed her mind.
14) Straddle Mommy like a horse and ask:  "Is it time to get up yet?" 43 times.
15) "I have to go potty.... and need you to wipe my bummy."
16) Bring the cat into bed and let him sit on Mommy's head.
17) Toot and then laugh about it... which makes your sissy toot.  Lather, rinse, repeat. 
18) "Can we watch Rudolf?"
19) "I tink I'm sick... can we watch Frosty and da Gwinch?"
20) Pick your nose and then ask Mommy to take the giant green booger on your finger.
21) Start fighting with sissy over who is breathing more air in the room.
22) Start crying because your nose/ear/eye ball/pinky/hair hurts.
23) Slam the door to your room repeatedly.
24) If that doesn't work, slam sissy's fingers in your door. Repeatedly.
25) Open up Mommy's eyes with your finger, and peak in with a concerned look.  If she has slept through all of the above nonsense, you need to confirm she's actually alive.
26) When she does finally wake up, ask her about the Fiber One Bar situation.

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