I'm losing my mind. Seriously. I have the brain power of... I dunno. What's something that has a tiny brain? That white thing with feathers that tastes so good next to mashed potatoes?
See what I mean? It's getting ridiculous. It's getting beyond ridiculous.
Twice in the last month, I've locked the keys in the car and my understanding and never-exasperated-at-my-forgetfulness husband has had to drive from the other side of town to rescue me.
The first time, it was a little inconvenient, as it was at day care and the girls and I had to wait for Benny to get there and save us. This consisted of Millie snoozing in the car seat, while I attempted to prevent Hazel from eating ants and pulling out all of the pansies along the walkway.
The second time was yesterday and was kind of... a pain in the rear. We were closing on the refinance on the house at 3 p.m.. At exactly 2:36, I packed up my stuff (breast pump, cooler, lunch containers, phone, water bottle, ice pack.... kitchen sink) and realized that I didn't have my keys with me.
And then I remembered why.
I had worked out at lunch and had to run home quickly to shower, lest the one time someone comes to the office is the day I am looking like I got beat down with the Crossfit Stick. Even uglier than the Ugly Stick. For sure smells worse.
Anyway, as I was driving away from the house, I got a call from Benny telling me to bring my checkbook to the closing. Which was in the house. No problem... I needed to grab an ice pack for my knee anyway, so I turned the car around, ran back in, grabbed the checkbook (and a hard boiled egg from the fridge... random) and headed back to the car. Once in the car, I remembered the ice pack. So, back in I went. Where I proceeded to pour myself a glass of ice tea and head back to the car. Again, realizing I had forgotten the ice pack, I ran back in and... grabbed my cell (which, oh yea!! need that!) and another hard boiled egg (ps... I make the worlds best hard boiled eggs... truth) AND CAME BACK OUT TO THE CAR SANS THE STUPID ICE PACK.
So, that's what? Four attempts?
So, when I finally got back to work, I was so flustered (and, quite frankly, amazed that I had remembered the way back to the office and didn't have to call for directions) that I grabbed my ice tea, the two eggs, the ice pack and my cell phone, stashed my wallet in my purse... and for some unknown reasons, threw it in the back seat, locked the doors on the car and headed into the office with my hands completely full.
Because purses and bags are for wimps. And I've never been chic enough to pick out a cool bag/purse that doesn't look like something I bought at the market cuz it was on sale for $5. Let's face it... I actually did buy it at the market for $5.
Oh, right... and along with my wallet, I threw the keys in the purse. So that puts them.... in the backseat.
But that's nothing compared to my inability to retain even the simplest information or instructions. At Crossfit, I have to have the instructor demonstrate and explain to me at least 5 times what a thruster is. It's a move I never learned back in the day, so it's not ingrained into my psyche like squats and hang cleans are, but it's actually a very easy lift once you get the technique down... but can I remember the technique and put it all together? Nope. It's been WEEKS and I still can't remember it.
And work is the worst. I can read something and think to myself that I need to communicate this to certain people and can nod in agreement or disagreement with an idea that is being floated around nationally and I'll think to myself: "Self, this is important stuff. You need to be on top of this one. Cuz if you're not.... oooo, look! A butterfly!"
But as soon as I turn the page, I completely forget what I just read. And I'll have to go back and go through the same thought process... agree/disagree... stay on top of this one... blah, blah, blah. Turn the page. WHAT DID I JUST READ?
Try repeating that 10 times and not feeling like you're a complete idiot.
Have you ever seen a bird fly into a window in your house? It's like that with my brain right now. The bird is the information that I am consuming and it's flying directly into the metaphorical window protecting my brain from retaining anything other than my name, phone number and address. And even then, I'm not always sure. So, here's this information hitting this window... feathers flying everywhere... and I'm sitting around all glassy-eyed going: "What was that sound?"
That sound? That's the sound of your career imploding. That's the sound of silence when your husband has to provide you with a word that you can't just seem to think of.
That word being... chair.