In Case You Were Thinking of Having Kids - Episode 1

This is the first in a series of the good, the bad and the downright beautiful moments of having children.  So you can be both inspired and horrified at the exact same time.  In the biz, we call that multi-tasking.  

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Hazel wanted to dance ballet in her princess dress tonight. 

So I turned on Shaggy.  

The look on her face was absolutely worth subjecting her to Shaggy.

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

Number of times in my life that I made pancakes prior to having kids: < 20
Number of times I've made pancakes in the last three years:  3,485 

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

Played hide-and-seek with the kiddos tonight.  Went into the bedroom where they were both hiding, and said:  "Where could Hazel and Millie be hiding?"  Millie pops up out of her hiding spot and screams:  'WHITE HEEEERRREEEE!!!"

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"What's the rule?"
"Um.... we don't show our private parts to our friends, anymore."
"Right.  What do we do if our friends or anyone else shows us their private parts?"
"We say: 'You shouldn't show me that!' and then walk away."
"No.  You run.  You run away, okay?"
"Okay.  Can I have a cookie, now?"

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

The girls had a knock-down, drag-out, call-the-cops fight in front of the Home Depot paint color sample card station today. Because out of 5,000 colors and cards to choose from, they both went for the exact same color sample card.... one of 10 to choose from in that sample, but they both wanted THAT one.

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"I'm gonna sit next to Millie while we eat because she's my best friend, and I love her!"
"Yea?"
"Yea!"
"Millie, who's your best friend?"
"Hazo!!!  And I wuv her!"

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"What's that smell, mama?"
"That's the lake effect... from Salt Lake.  Because Salt Lake stinks."
"No it's not!  It's not the wake effect.  The car pooped!"
"What?"
"Yea!  The car pooped!"
"Cars don't poop, Hazel."
"Yes dey do!  The car pooped!"
"No, Millie... cars don't poop."
"THE CAR POOPED!  THE CAR POOPED!  THE CAR POOPED!!!"

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"Would you like it if I wiped MY bummy and then wiped the toilet paper on YOU?"
"No... that's not nice."
"Then why do you think it's okay for you to do that to your friend?"
"Um, cuz she said, she said, she said that I couldn't have the yellow crayon!"

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids. 
  
"Millie had a blow-out today.  It got IN her shoes."

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"I wanna put on my pants!"
"Okay, then put on your pants!"
"No!  I don't wanna put on my pants!"
"Do you want me to help you put on your pants?"
"No!  I wanna put on my pants!"
"Then put on your pants!"
"NO!!!  I don't wanna put on my pants!"
(Substitute pants for peeling a banana, eating a strawberry or playing with her dolly, and you've got Millie in a nutshell.)

  
You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"Mama!! I was good today and didn't get a note or anything!"
"Yay!  Does that mean that you were nice to all of your friends?"
"Uh-huh!  And I didn't try to wipe my toilet paper on them, either."

Progress.

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.    

"I want daddy to play Silverback."
"Oh yea?"
"Yea.... and you can be the giant."
"That's grrrrrreat."

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

After fighting with her about going to sleep tonight, I finally reached my limit and threatened to take out her ponytails if I had to come into the room one more time.  That's right, I went nuclear.

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids.

"Heeeeyyyy... Hazo said no to me!"
"What did I tell you about sticks and stones?"
"Words will hurt my bones!"
*Sigh*
"Fine.  What did I say about tattletaling?"
"I not a tattletale!"
"Yes she is, mommy!  She's tattling on me!!"

You know... in case you were thinking of having kids. 

About Green Boogers and Oatmeal

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll wonder why they let me keep my kids.

In 2005, I started a triathlon blog where I attempted to exorcise my demons of being a terrible swimmer and runner. I blogged about races. I picked internet fights with fellow racers about the color of their bikes. I believe at one point in a race, I actually tried to trip a guy in a red shirt because I'm not a fan of The University of Utah. In short, I met a lot of wonderful friends along the way.

In 2009, I stopped writing that blog because I'd gotten pregnant and felt the need to grow up. So, I created The Parent's Hood  - now Green Boogers and Oatmeal after my children informed me that they like green boogers (not the red ones, those are gwoss) and oatmeal, so can we have that for dinner tonight? pwease? - and documented the pregnancy and subsequent OMG WE HAVE A BABY AND IT SUCKS part of my life. It was a way to cope. And it turns out, I didn't need to actually grow up at all. Just had to stop cussing and hey, I'm supposed to do that with kids anyway, so it's a two-fer benefit.

Writing was my outlet when I was on maternity leave and seriously... with a first-born who cries ALL THE TIME? Paid maternity leave is a horrible benefit for us with extreme first-world problems. You all probably wouldn't understand because it's all about me. So the outlet was totally needed.

Now with two children and a full-time job, it's still a way to cope. And it's a way for me to document our crazy life... and I hope that one day, my girls will be able to look back on it and say:

"You know... I know we had to have her committed because she started talking back to the voices in her head, but there might be something that explains Mom's craziness in here."

Until then, I intend to enjoy the ride. And I hope you will, too.